mariadillane

From Survival Mode to Momentum: Getting Back on the Horse!!!

Thu, 19 Feb 2026 02:32:36 GMT

Like many last year was tough, I know im not alone but after a few years of growth personally, professionally and spiritually the last year really knocked the wind out of my sails and to be quite honest I withdrew.

I huddled in so that I could show up as best I could for myself and my family. I can now reflect that I was in survival mode.

Of course while trying to build a business (especially in the wellbeing space) withdrawing is not ideal! But you know what – I did the best I could with what I had and im here to tell the tale AND I learned a lot too.

So yeah I’ve been hanging out waiting for the year of the horse as a kinda starting point to refocus and get back to doing what I love, which is supporting families.

The Fire Horse apparently represents momentum and forward movement so this is me after a fall “getting back on the horse”!

After years of studying in different wellbeing modalities I really had the chance to observe my situation from a new lens.

Here’s some of my key takeaways Iv relearned and focused on:

It’s okay to just be as you are, to show up as best you can with what you have.

If your tank is at 40% and you gave 40%, then you gave 100%.

I still have to remind myself of this often, but I am proving it to myself daily in how I choose to show up — with self-compassion and kindness.

I know that sometimes my expectations often don’t match my reality and that can be so hard.

Over the last 12 months Iv focused on building my self- awareness.

Challenging my ideas of my expectations and rewriting them when needed and cutting myself some slack. On the days that I find this challenging, I imagine I’m chatting with my friend and reassuring her that her wellbeing is crucial to her family’s wellbeing.

One of my biggest takeaways was recognising how I was speaking to myself!

My inner critic can be mean and when things were particularly challenging this voice got louder and louder pulling me into a cycle of negativity and overwhelm which impacts my whole life- and those around me.

After years of studying and working in the wellbeing space I know this! but my experience this last year taught me that this part of me will always be here and it is my choice what I give my attention to.

When those negative thoughts and dialogue happen, I focus on my breathing – slowing it down with a long exhale.

I listen to the thought and then I challenge it with a kinder version of reality

Yeah, the house is messy and that’s okay I was playing with my kids and having fun and I can clean later.

I prioritise my basic needs :

Sleep (and/or rest)
Food/water
Going to the toilet when I need (not holding it)
Movement/exercise

I also do things just for me not big difficult to achieve tasks but things that support me and my wellbeing. Like last year for two terms I did swimming lessons to improve my skills and then I would use the sauna/steam room after to relax. I did this on a Monday night when my husband was home, and he was able to do bedtime.

I got back into journaling , something I used to do and had let slide.

Not big, long entries rather, 3 things I am grateful for that day. Some days I write more if I feel like it.

Gratitude has been my saving grace since experiencing burnout in 2020 and has helped me so much since.

There’s heaps more I could share, but this blog had a few simple purposes:

To share something that might help even one mum who feels alone and overwhelmed
To get back into sharing — done is better than perfect.
To show up as authentically me.

If you got this far thanks for reading ��

Maria xx

Frustration at 8am: Why Emotional Awareness Matters (And How It Can Help You and Your Kids)

maria@reachingforcalm.com (Maria Dillane) — Fri, 01 Aug 2025 01:50:54 GMT

It’s early morning, and you’re trying to get everyone ready. You’ve got a time you need to leave. One child refuses to brush their teeth. Another wants to change outfits. No one’s listening. You can feel the frustration bubbling up — rising fast.

I know this moment. I’ve lived it more times than I can count. And I’ve gone both ways — sometimes noticing what I’m feeling and finding a way to regulate… and sometimes letting it build until I completely lose my cool and feel awful after.

So let’s pause here. Because we do have a choice.

We can:

• Notice the feeling • Name it • Regulate

we can ignore it, push through, and let it build… until it explodes.

This is where emotional literacy comes in

Learning to name and understand what we’re feeling isn’t just about staying calm — it’s about protecting our wellbeing, building stronger relationships, and showing up with more intention in the hard moments, especially in parenting.

As Dr. Dan Siegel puts it, “name it to tame it.” When we name an emotion, we engage the thinking part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex), which helps calm the emotional part of the brain (the amygdala). It’s a simple but powerful way to begin regulation — for ourselves and for our kids.

What I’ve Learned About Emotions and Regulation

I used to think emotions were either good or bad — that some should be pushed down and hidden. I spent years doing that. Add in an ADHD diagnosis (and everything I’ve since learned about how that affects the nervous system and emotional regulation), and it’s no wonder things felt so intense at times. I was moving between suppression and rupture.

No awareness. No space to pause. No space to choose.

Here’s what I now know:

• Emotions are messengers

They’re not bad or wrong — even the hard ones. They’re signals from the body and brain trying to get your attention.

• Your body often feels the emotion before your brain can make sense of it

That racing heart? Tight chest? Irritability? That’s your nervous system talking. It’s why building body awareness is key to self-regulation.

Emotional Awareness in Real-Life Parenting Moments

It’s 8:00am. You haven’t had breakfast. The kids haven’t brushed their teeth. One wants a full outfit change. Shoes aren’t on. You feel that ugh rise in your body.

Get curious.

• Am I hungry? (Yes. A basic need isn’t met.)

• Am I feeling unheard? (Yes. No one is listening or responding.)

• Is there pressure? (Yes. I need to leave by 8:30.)

• Do I feel stuck between options? (Yes. If I say no to the outfit change, it might cause a meltdown and slow us down even more.)

Makes complete sense that I feel overwhelmed.

Honestly just writing this helps me reflect on how hard these moments can be. It is hard. And acknowledging that really helps.

What Helps Me in These Moments

1. Pause and acknowledge:

“I’m feeling frustrated. That makes sense. This is a lot right now.”

2. Regulate my body:

Sometimes I use the physiological sigh (a double inhale through the nose, long exhale through the mouth) — it’s a simple, science-backed way to calm the nervous system.

How to do a Physiological Sigh

Other times I shake it out, blast music, or do a little dance. Anything that lets the stress move through me, not get stuck in me.

Current favourite song to shift big feelings

3. Reframe the moment:

I ask myself, What happens if we’re late?

Yep, we’ll be rushed. Maybe even late. But what’s more important — being on time, or maintaining connection with my kids by modelling regulation and self-kindness before a long separation?

It’s hard to shift this thinking. Many of us have been conditioned to believe lateness = a personal failure. For me I’m learning to replace that idea with:

It’s okay if we’re late! I’m a good mum with two young kids, doing her best.

Why This Matters

Building emotional awareness comes under the umbrella of emotional intelligence — something I was not aware of since working in this space.

But it’s never too late.

When we name what we’re feeling, we can:

• Make sense of our experience

• Calm our nervous system

• Respond with more kindness — to ourselves and others

And the more we practise, the more we can model this for our kids. We’re not just helping them brush their teeth or get their shoes on. We’re showing them how to understand their emotions, too.

And that’s AMAZING!!!!

✨ Looking for practical tools to help you (and your kids) regulate emotions and build connection?

Grab your free copy of Calm and Connected here.

Thank you for reading

Maria XX

References:

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind.

Delahooke, M. (2019). Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges.

When Trust is Shaken

maria@reachingforcalm.com (Maria Dillane) — Fri, 04 Jul 2025 03:19:28 GMT

A Note for Parents Navigating Big Feelings After Distressing News

Over the past week, many of us here in Victoria have been deeply shaken by the news that an early childhood educator has been charged with assaulting children in their care. Like many of you, I’ve been feeling the shock of the news not as a legal or trauma expert, but as a parent, a wellbeing educator, and someone who believes deeply in safe, connected care for our children.

I’ve been sharing on my stories information from experts and professionals who are more informed than I am on child protection and safety — that’s not my area of expertise, so I want to be guided by those who are trained in that space. But as a parent, and someone who supports others in parenting and wellbeing, what I can offer is some support for the emotional side of this. Because the conversations I’ve been having with parents this week are full of fear, guilt, anger, and grief — especially for the families directly impacted.

I’m a mum with a child in daycare, and this has rocked me too. I feel it in my body — that tight chest, that lump in my throat. And I want to share a few gentle reminders that might help you in the midst of all of this.

1. Let Yourself Feel What You Feel

This is big. It’s shocking. It’s heartbreaking. It’s okay to feel scared, angry, upset, or anxious. It’s normal.

When something like this happens, it shakes the core of what we believe to be safe. And it can bring up so much — including old fears or experiences of our own. The goal here isn’t to push the feelings away, but to name them, acknowledge them, and allow them space. That’s actually a very important part of regulating our nervous systems.

Acknowledging our feelings is actually the first step in helping our nervous system process what’s happening. The Australian Psychological Society has some helpful guidance here:

�� https://psychology.org.au/for-the-public/psychology-topics/trauma

2. Our Kids Pick Up on Our Energy — And That’s Okay

Even if we don’t say anything, our kids often sense when something’s “off.” They’re wired to be attuned to us. That doesn’t mean we have to be completely calm or cheerful all the time — it just means we can be real with them in a way that’s developmentally appropriate.

For example, you might say:

“I’m feeling a bit sad today, so I’m taking some deep breaths and doing things that help me feel better.”

This is actually a beautiful opportunity to show them what self-regulation looks like. You’re modelling how to name emotions and support yourself through them — something that builds emotional awareness and resilience in them too.

This idea of co-regulation (how your calm helps calm your child) is something Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson talk about in The Whole-Brain Child — and it’s backed by neuroscience.

3. Ask Yourself: What’s In My Control?

One of the hardest parts about fear and anxiety is the sense of helplessness. That’s a very normal response — and in times like this, it's easy to feel like there’s nothing we can do. But I encourage you to reflect and ask yourself:

“What is in my control right now?”

Maybe you have some questions to ask your daycare/kinder to help relieve these anxieties. Some questions can help bring us back to what is in our hands:

• Am I happy with how my child’s centre communicates with me?

• Are there concerns I’ve had that I haven’t voiced?

• Would it help me to book a meeting with the room leader or director?

You have the right to ask questions, request a tour, clarify procedures, and share your concerns. You can make a call. You can ask questions, clarify procedures and share your concerns. These steps are not just about information — they’re about rebuilding a sense of safety and agency. Even small actions can help settle our nervous system.

The Raising Children Network is great resource for what to expect and how to talk to your child’s early learning provider: "Trusting your instincts and following up on concerns with your child’s educators is an important part of being engaged in your child’s early learning experience."

�� https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/work-child-care/centre-based-family-day-care/building-relationships-with-carers

4. Talk to your child about body safety in an age-appropriate way:

One of the most powerful things you can do is help your child build an understanding of their own body and their right to safety. You don’t need to overwhelm them with scary information. We want body safety conversations to be gentle, consistent, and part of everyday life.

• Teach the correct names for body parts, including private parts (penis, vulva). This reduces shame and builds confidence.

• Make it clear that “your body belongs to you” — and it’s always okay to say “no” to unwanted touch, even from adults.

• Explain that secrets should never be kept about touch or anything that makes them “icky” or uncomfortable. In our home we say “surprise” instead of secret.

• Let them know that they can always come to you or another trusted adult no matter what happens or if anything feels wrong or confusing — and that they won’t get in trouble. We want our kids to know that their safety is so important to us.

You can start these conversations when they are babies and continue as they grow. Having these conversations is about empowering them and building trust.

Helpful expert tips and resources: Click the links

Body Safety Australia

Safe4Kids

ChildSafe.

Kristi McVee | Child Safety Expert & Educator

❤️ I think its also important to acknowledge the vast majority of early childhood educators are incredible, compassionate professionals. They work hard every day to support our children with care, patience, and skill. They guide their emotional development, cheer on their milestones, and offer a sense of security and connection when we’re not there. Many, like us, are devastated by this news — and continue to show up, doing their best for our kids every single day.

5. Support Yourself, So You Can Support Your Child

When we’re stressed, our capacity is lower. We’re less patient. We might feel foggy, snappy, or flat. Our sleep and appetite might be off. That’s all very normal — but it also makes it harder to stay calm and connected with our kids.

This doesn’t mean striving to be “perfect.” It just means gently checking in with yourself:

“How am I doing right now?”

“What do I need so I can show up as best I can?”

Maybe it’s a quiet moment with a cuppa, a chat with a friend, a walk, switching off the news, or speaking to your gp or a mental health professional. Whatever helps you stay steady — even just a little bit — is worth making time for.

If you’re finding it hard to navigate all the feelings that are coming up right now, please know I offer gentle, evidence-informed support and resources for parents — whether it’s helping you regulate your own nervous system, strengthen connection with your child, or explore tools that support emotional safety at home.

I also recommend Emerging Minds — they have fantastic, free resources for supporting your own mental health and your child’s wellbeing during distressing times.

You’re Not Alone

I wish none of this had happened. I wish every child was guaranteed safety and gentleness every day. I wish none of us ever had to navigate this kind of fear or grief.

But we do. And in these moments, when we take time to care for ourselves, to connect with others, to speak up, and to seek support when we need it — we protect not only our children, but ourselves. And we model for them what it means to be human, brave, and tender in a sometimes scary world.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, uncertain, or just want to talk through what’s coming up — please know I’m here.

Through Reaching for Calm, I offer:

Parent coaching (1:1 or small group) to support emotional safety, connection, and nervous system regulation at home

Workshops and professional development for parents, educators and professionals, with a focus on wellbeing, emotional regulation, and trauma-informed approaches

Tools and resources rooted in evidence-based frameworks including interpersonal neurobiology, polyvagal theory, and conscious parenting

While my training is not specific to body safety education, my work is centred on emotional safety, self-awareness, and the wellbeing of both children and the adults who care for them.

If you need support, guidance, or even just a place to feel seen — I’m here.

Maria xx

Reacting vs. Responding: Supporting Yourself in Challenging Moments

maria@reachingforcalm.com (Maria Dillane) — Thu, 03 Apr 2025 02:26:08 GMT

I am very familiar with reacting instead of responding. For most of my life, I’ve been very quick to react, and with hindsight, I can see that it usually caused more problems. It wasn’t until I experienced burnout in 2020 that I became interested in understanding why I was reacting the way I was—and, how it was impacting my well-being and my relationships.

Since then, I’ve immersed myself in learning about the nervous system, brain development, and behaviour, and I want to share some insights that might help you, too. Parenting is tough, let’s be honest. Yes, it’s wonderful and so rewarding, and it’s also really challenging. Here’s the thing – both can be true at the same time.

We’ve all heard the saying "It takes a village to raise a child," but in today’s world, many parents feel isolated, the village has shrunk. More families are juggling both parents working outside the home, while trying to manage childcare, housework, and the rising cost of living, all while trying to be patient and present for their children. Add in the challenges of modern life, and you have the perfect recipe for stress and overwhelm.

I can’t change your circumstances, but I can offer a different perspective—one that allows you to meet yourself with compassion, awareness, and practical tools to support both you and your child.

Why Do We React Instead of Responding?

The Science of the Nervous System

Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory helps us understand why we sometimes react in ways we don’t intend. Our nervous system has three key states:

1. Social Engagement (Ventral Vagal) – When we feel safe, connected, and regulated.

2. Fight or Flight (Sympathetic) – When we perceive a threat and our body activates to protect us.

3. Shutdown (Dorsal Vagal) – When stress becomes overwhelming, and our system collapses into withdrawal or disconnection.

The goal isn’t to stay in social engagement all the time (that’s unrealistic), but to recognise when we or our children are moving into fight, flight, or shutdown and learn how to move back to safety.

As parents, we are under immense pressure, and our nervous system often perceives constant threats—whether from our environment, the stress of daily life, or triggers from our own childhood. Our children's behaviour can also unintentionally activate our nervous system, making us react from a place of stress rather than awareness.

The good news:

�� We can train our nervous system to become more resilient. Neuroscience shows that we can rewire our brain and strengthen our ability to respond rather than react.

Understanding Your Child’s Behaviour Through Brain Development

One of the most important things to remember is that children have immature brains and nervous systems. Their ability to regulate emotions is still developing, and in times of stress, they cannot self-regulate—they need co-regulation from us.

All behaviour is communication. When a child is struggling, they are not trying to be difficult; they are trying to express an unmet need. Instead of asking “Why are they acting like this?”

Try asking: “What is my child trying to communicate?”

This shift in perspective allows us to see behaviour through a lens of understanding rather than frustration. It also helps us recognise that our own reactions are often a response to past experiences, stress, or unmet needs.

That’s why self-awareness is important—the more we understand what’s happening within ourselves, the more we can show up for our kids in a ways that help.

Practical Strategies for Managing Reactions

1️. Reframe the Behaviour

➡️ See behaviour as communication, not defiance. Instead of thinking “They’re being naughty”

shift to “They’re struggling and need my help.”

2️. Meet the Need Beneath the Behaviour

➡️ Ask yourself: “What is my child trying to express?” Behaviour is a clue to an underlying need, whether that’s connection, safety, or sensory regulation.

3️. Validate Emotions

➡️ You don’t have to agree with your child to help them feel heard. Saying “I see you’re really upset about this” can make all the difference.

4️. Model Emotional Regulation

➡️ Children learn from watching us. When we take a breath, steady ourselves, and respond with calm, we teach them how to manage big emotions.

5️. Practice the Pause

➡️ When you feel yourself getting triggered, take a moment before responding. A deep breath, a short walk, or even just not reacting immediately can shift the entire interaction.

6️. Repair After a Reaction

➡️ No one is perfect, and we all have moments where we react in ways we don’t intend. Apologising and reconnecting teaches kids that mistakes are okay and relationships can be repaired.

Reframing Your Own Reactions

Just like our children, we react based on the state of our own nervous system, and our past experiences. Lots of us were raised in homes where big emotions were seen as negative challenging behasviour, and now, we find ourselves reacting in ways that don’t align with how we want to show up.

Instead of:

❌ “I should be calmer and more patient.”

Try:

✅ “I’m doing the best I can with the tools I have. I can learn and grow, just like my child.”

Instead of:

❌ “I’m failing as a parent.”

Try:

✅ “This is hard because I care. Repairing and reconnecting matters more than always getting it right.”

Parenting is not about perfection—it’s about showing up, learning, and trying again.

Recognising and reshaping our reactions is powerful—but you don’t have to do it alone. If you’d like more guidance in putting this into practice. I know firsthand how hard it can be to break old cycles and stay calm in the chaos of parenting. If you're looking for guidance, encouragement, and practical tools, here are some ways we can work together:

✔ Book a 1:1 session – Personalised support for your parenting challenges

https://calendly.com/maria_reachingforcalm/30min

✔ Join a group workshop – Learn practical tools in a supportive space

✔ Follow me on Instagram – for more insights and strategies

https://www.instagram.com/reachingforcalm/

✔ Send me an email – maria@reachingforcalm.com

Let’s chat about how I can support you

Parenting is tough, but it doesn’t have to feel so overwhelming. With the right support and simple, practical tools, you can go from reacting in the moment to responding with more calm and confidence.

�� Let’s connect – I’d love to support you!

I Thought I F*#ked Up!

maria@reachingforcalm.com (Maria Dillane) — Fri, 31 Jan 2025 02:26:05 GMT

Then I reframed things to get a more accurate picture:

Yes, I have been a lot less patient with my kids. I did yell last night, and I felt like crap about it immediately. I apologized within minutes.

I recognize that the way I’ve been speaking to myself and the expectations I’ve set for myself are not acceptable.

I’ve been unwell recently, and my health has added stress.

(I’m doing okay and recovering, thanks)

My son started school this week—this has been a big transition for all of us.

Our family is grieving a much-loved family member, and we are far away from those we love.

I could go on and on, but the reality is—this is life. We all experience highs and lows, and I am no different.

What I did notice, though, was that I had slipped back into old habits—pushing on and on, not listening to my needs, putting others’ needs and expectations before my own, and then feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and resentful. And on top of that? I was speaking unkindly to myself when I inevitably failed, as anyone would with such unrealistic goals.

I share this with you not for any reaction, but to show you that we all struggle at times. Life can be challenging—even for those of us in personal development with all the tools to support our well-being. We mess up too. And we all have a choice.

So what have I done with this awareness?

I made a choice to slow down, to pull back on my commitments over the next few weeks.

I bought a 2025 daily planner, and every night, I write my plans and to-do list for the following day.
I have whiteboards at my desk and in the kitchen with weekly objectives and empowering quotes.
I recommitted to daily movement—whether it’s a walk, a run, or a 7-minute workout using an app—at least five days a week.
And I changed how I was speaking to myself. Instead of thinking from a place of lack—focusing on all I have to do and what I haven’t accomplished—I actively think about what I’m doing well and focus on what I’m grateful for.

I want to live a life that feels good—not just for me, but for the people around me. I want my kids to know that I will mess up, and that’s okay—because I can dust myself off, say sorry if needed, and get back up and try again.

I know from conversations with other mums that these experiences aren’t unique. I also noticed embarrassment and shame creeping in for me. How I plan to move forward is by speaking my truth, acknowledging my feelings, and, hopefully, helping even one mum feel less alone or ashamed. If it inspires others to speak more kindly to themselves and recognize the amazing things they do each day, then it’s worth sharing.

My top takeaways from my recent experience of overwhelm:

Speak kindly to yourself – The way you talk to yourself impacts how you see the world and how you show up in it.

Take time to notice and acknowledge your feelings – They have a story to tell. Listen to them and make necessary changes.

This too will pass – Life is always moving. We will experience good and challenging times, and I know I have moved through tough times before. I survived, I learned something, and I will keep going.

With love,
Maria XX

A Re-introduction 2023

maria@reachingforcalm.com (Maria Dillane) — Fri, 08 Dec 2023 05:19:36 GMT

An update on my life and offerings

I Thought I would do a re-introduction for anyone new here. This is a deeper dive into my background and what has brought me to where I am today.

My name is Maria Dillane, I am a mum of two kids ages 4 and 2. I am an Irish expat living in Melbourne Australia. I am a nurse, a parent advocate & coach, a neuroprotective developmental care practitioner (NDC) and I have completed a comprehensive course in Interpersonal Neurobiology.

My personal development journey started in 2020 after suffering from burnout, this was on the back of living with severe anxiety for over a decade (since my mum became unwell and passed away) What this looked like for me was:

Social anxiety
Anxiety attacks
Low self esteem
Low confidence

Most people were not aware of my insecurities and mental health issues as I didn't share this with many. My anxiety manifested itself in my daily life as :

Nail biting
Smoking
Binge drinking
Negative self talk
People pleasing

When I became a mum I felt love like I'd never known before. I wanted to be the best Mum I could be. However I didn't know what this actually meant and so initially I did this by martyring myself in the name of mothering. I stayed up late most nights preparing my child’s food from scratch despite the fact I would have night time feeds and to be up for work at 6am. I had no time for myself. I would race home from work, change my clothes and spend the rest of the time with my son. I literally never had any time to refuel, to meet my needs. When anyone suggested I did otherwise I would get defensive and upset. I was often impatient, irritable and quick to react, and then I would spend a lot of time beating myself up, becoming distressed as this was not how I wanted to show up for my family. The pandemic did not help someone like me living with chronic anxiety and something had to give.

In 2020 I literally burnt out. One day I had palpitations and chest pain where I thought I was having a heart attack or at the very least a precursor to one. I booked into my gp and shared what was happening. I was distressed, I was angry at my body for letting me down and I felt so overwhelmed. I was prescribed medication in the short term to manage my anxiety and a new mental health care plan to support me. I took some time off work and slowed right down. I prioritised rest and spent a lot of time in self reflection.

It was after this I made significant changes in my life. I started working with a coach. I decided to study a post grad in Positive Psychology (The science of wellbeing) to better understand and support my own wellbeing. I found that I loved learning about this topic. It resonated with me so much and I started implementing many evidence based strategies to support me in my daily life. I focused my assignments on the wellbeing of parents and this became my passion - understanding how to better support parents and their wellbeing.

On completion of my post grad, my little girl was born. My days and nights were busier than ever and instead of crumbling I felt empowered. I asked for help, I leaned into what felt good for me to support me. The strategies already in place continued to support me and evolve as we navigated early days with two kids.

Wanting to learn how to further support myself, I came across the Jai institute for parenting. When my little girl was 3 months old I started studying to become a parent coach. The great part of my training was that I myself was coached as I studied. The more I studied and shared about my own experiences the more awareness I had. I felt more and more empowered and not only that, I was noticing positive changes in my family from very early in my training.. Having knowledge about attachment science, nervous system science, brain science, and emotional intelligence allowed me to make sense of so much in relation to my parenting and my past. My relationships not just with my kids and husband improved but most notably my relationship to myself. I was able to show myself more compassion and empathy, to prioritise my needs in order to meet the needs of others and to do this without feeling guilty.

This insight helped so much as I began noticing my triggers and instead of reacting as I previously did, I was able to hold space, to meet my needs and my child's with more and more ease. Not perfectly but with practice it continues to become easier. I was no longer suppressing my emotions, I was open and honest with how I was feeling and it felt good. I am modelling to my kids the importance of self-love and self-compassion.

This time was also one of big transitions for me on another level as I farewelled one of my best friends and her kids. I felt lonely, and was grieving their departure. I allowed all the feelings for myself and my family. We missed our friends. As expats, friends are the family you choose and saying goodbye although not forever is so hard. Even as I write this I am preparing for another one of my best friends departing next year. I wonder how much harder these experiences would be if I didn't have awareness and compassion to hold space for all these feelings. Life is constantly evolving and changing. How I support myself through these changes impacts not only me but my whole family.

As I continued to learn and evolve I became more and more interested in the mind body connection. For me it felt like I had been living a disconnected life for a long time that manifested itself as anxiety, dislike of self and ill feeling. I read books like "the body keeps score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk and “when the body says no” by Gabor Mate. They made so much sense to me, and still I wanted to know more. I signed up to study Interpersonal Neurobiology with Dan Siegel and finished this in September this year. This course along with my parent coaching training reinforced for me the importance that we as parents play in our kids' lives. Our sense of self is formed primarily in our first seven years, as it lays the foundation for a child's emotional, social, and cognitive development. The quality of the parent-child bond significantly influences a child's sense of security, self-esteem, and ability to form healthy relationships in the future. Essentially shaping a child’s core beliefs about themselves. The importance of these early years and of the parent child bond is often overlooked in our society and it can add to feelings of isolation and disconnection.

My studies over the last 3 years have given me so much, they have allowed me to make sense of who I am, and my experiences. They have given me the gift of openness, non-judgement, hope and compassion to name a few. I am a better person, mum, coach and nurse because of my willingness to be open and learn and evolve.

I believe my matresence (the process of becoming a mother) was the catalyst that opened the door of change for me.

Changes I notice in myself now are:

I like who I am now, after a lifetime of not feeling comfortable in my own skin. I now know and accept all of me.
I have wounds that show up at different times, I support myself through them with connection and compassion.
I have so much more empathy for myself and those around me, my family, friends and patients. This is a gift, it takes away judgement and replaces it with empathy, curiosity and compassion.
My kids are my greatest teachers. I am so grateful to be their mother and I know that I am a good mum. I know too that I will get things wrong, but how I show up for my kids and myself is my priority. My parenting journey is about connection not perfection.
I respect my kids and their opinions and voices. My kids deserve to be seen and heard. I continue to work on my listening skills and build them as our society as a whole does not value the voices of kids. I do but sometimes I need to slow down or pause to make sure that I honour this.

There is so much more I could say but this is a rather deep dive into who I am and the changes I have made since becoming a mother. I hope my passion for supporting parents is clear here because I believe there is such a need to support parents in our society. To be the change we want to see we need to support parents with compassion, kindness and knowledge. My business is called Reaching for Calm. My passion is to bring evidence based information to parents in a supportive non-judgemental space.

If you would like to know more about how i can support you you can book a call on the link below or you can simply DM/email me a question.

Maria XX

How I got to here!

maria@reachingforcalm.com (Maria Dillane) — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 09:05:45 GMT

My journey to being a Mama & finally happy in my own skin!

I am a mama of two, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I am an Irish expatriate living in Melbourne. I have been on this earth for 37 (almost 38 years). It is with a lot of work and reflection that I can honestly share, this has been my best year in life. I have grown to love myself, all of me, even the parts I am working to alter. Even typing this sounds a bit wishy washy and not something “old me” would ever say. But the old me was not happy in her skin. I was anxious, unsure of myself, angry, grieving, and lonely. That is not to say I am never any of these or any other negative emotions now, but I have learned that they are okay. It’s okay to feel sad, mad, lonely or scared. I have learned to get curious about the WHY? And the importance of compassion and self-care.

How did I get here? → BURNOUT!

I became a mama to my son in 2019, that was 9 years after losing my own mum. It was pre pandemic and I felt on top of the world. I love being a mum and I have learned so much. I can see now that as much as I love being a mama it is not necessary for me to do so at the expense of my own well-being.

I returned to work 4 months post-partum, my husband was in university, and we planned for him to be the primary caregiver. Lots of people asked me “how did I leave my son?’ They meant well but it did hurt a bit, I became defensive. I wonder now did my feelings of “not doing or being enough” drive me to push myself hard. I worked as a nurse, raced home, and gave the rest of myself to my son. I rarely did anything for myself. At the time I thought that was what a good mum did. Fast forward a year and just as my son was needing me a little less (weaned). HELLO Covid and lockdowns. The pandemic was scary, the eery feeling of commuting to work in lockdown through the empty streets, the fear in everyone you met, the lack of connection and social interaction with others, the heightened anxiety. It was a lot for everyone, everywhere. A few months in and for me something finally gave, my anxiety increased so much, that my GP prescribed a beta blocker temporarily for my symptoms. I had anxiety for years, but this was different. I felt the pressure to get it together in a different way, it was not just about me, it was affecting my family.

I started working with a personal development coach. I looked at myself, really looked deep and made a commitment to start showing up for myself. Quite quickly I was seeing the benefits and was feeling more energised and motivated. My interest was piqued in how this was happening and why? So naturally when recovering from burnout, with a toddler at home in the middle of a pandemic, I decided to study! I commenced a post grad in Positive Psychology in February 2021 at the same time as learning I was pregnant. You would expect given my recent mental health challenges this might be a tipping point, thankfully not. I was applying the tools that I was learning about, to my life and was able to maintain my equilibrium. I want to add here that the support of my family, friends and colleagues was paramount to me juggling my endeavours. I loved what I was learning and applying to my own life. It lights me up to learn about wellbeing and understanding why we are the way we are.

Fast forward again and I completed my post grad two months before my baby’s arrival. On finishing study, I took annual leave to spend 1:1 time with my son and to prepare for more changes. I moved slow, I was gentle with myself, and I enjoyed the time I was able to spend with my family and friends. The fact that we were in another lockdown was something I was aware of, and I prepared as best I could in a calm and practical way. Looking back now, the change in my attitude and mindset last year was colossal. My little girl was born in early October, I had a positive experience and we returned home to our own little cocoon. We adapted in our own way, taking it slow and learning as we went. There was love, connection and joy, at the same time there were big emotions, mistakes, and repairs. I was still applying the tools I had learned but was noticing my old friend and harshest critic “anxiety” was creeping in. With the awareness I had gained from study and reflection I started to prioritise myself and my needs again. I completed short courses to support my knowledge for wellbeing tools. I started swimming in the bay with a friend (all weathers & seasons). My family and I enjoyed the benefits of my cup being filled.

Upon reflection, I wished that it wasn’t this way for families, this expectation, this judgement and stress. My desire to learn more returned. It was then I found the Jai Institute for Parenting and applied for their coaching program. When my little girl was 3 months old, I started this course. I worked through the weekly modules: the healing and awareness that I had was LIFE CHANGING. I was able to dig deep with curiosity and without judgement of my own story. I was supported by my coach and my classmates. The content was engaging and relevant to my life past and present. We worked through attachment science, the nervous system, mindsight and brain science, emotional intelligence. How to have empowered conversations and exploring anger and healthy aggression. While working through the modules I was practising applying the new tools I was learning to support myself and my kids. I had more awareness of where my kids are developmentally and was able to soften my expectations of them. When triggered I was able (mostly) to pause and respond instead of reacting. I became more aware of what was triggering me and why. With my understanding came more compassion, for myself, my kids and those closest to me.

My relationships have changed for the better. I love the connection and understanding I have with my kids. Do I still make mistakes? Of course, I still lose it and shout or snap. I feel triggered and angry sometimes, but it is how I manage the aftermath that has had the biggest impact for me. I can look whoever has been on the receiving end of my behaviour in the eye and make a meaningful repair. I can forgive myself and move on. My commitment to this work is enduring.

I recently completed the coaching program and became a certified Parent coach with Jai. I have launched my own coaching business Reaching for Calm. I am learning new skills like marketing, using social media for business, and using Canva, Mailchimp and PayPal. I am so proud of myself for continuing no matter how challenging I find it. I am recognising and pushing past my limiting beliefs. I am motivated and excited to help people make the changes I did. If my story resonated with you and you would like to know more or think you would like to work with me, reach out on my website www.reachingforcalm.com . You can also find me on Facebook at Reaching for Calm or Instagram @reachingforcalm. I believe wholeheartedly in this work and the need for it. I believe not only are our children worth the effort but so are we.

A day in the life of a conscious parent!

maria@reachingforcalm.com (Maria Dillane) — Mon, 17 Oct 2022 00:00:33 GMT

Do you ever lose it with your kids? Do you shout, yell, feel irritated then feel awful? Do you want to respond more, instead of reacting? Do you want better connection with your kids?

These are the questions I was asking myself!

Life, Covid, work, my own expectations etc. were some of the reasons I explained away my responses to my child and myself. BUT I wanted to be different and so I was looking for answers when I found Jai. I have completed a 12-week program for transformational parenting. Sounds wishy washy???? I can 110% tell you its not.

I have moved away from losing control, shouting, yelling, and feeling like crap about it. I still get frustrated and “dysregulate” sometimes. Now, instead of feeling like crap about it, I get curious! What needs of mine are going unheard??? What stresses are coming up for me? I practice self-compassion. I do meditation (old me would do an eye roll here). Its not silently sitting meditating either its listening to a guided meditation in bed or on the floor with two little humans crawling all over me. Its not always perfect or exactly as I want it to be but it’s doing the best I can.

Recently after a very broken night sleep (teething) I woke up feeling uneasy and bracing myself for the day ahead! Is this how I want to show up for my kids? NO. While my husband played with the kids, I did a short morning guided meditation then had a shower and for the end of the shower I turned the water to cold! Why? Because cold water stimulates your immune system and activates your vagus nerve, which down regulates your stress response. I have learned your nervous system can be trained and nurtured to move to a calmer state, allowing for more connection with yourself & others. With practice this will become easier and allows you to move through challenges with more ease.

Did this work for me- Yes, for the morning, then the afternoon brought on fresh challenges. How did I manage the challenges and frustration? Not perfectly, I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed after multiple meltdowns. I sat on the floor with my toddler, holding the screaming baby while he shouted at me. I modelled deep breathing; I said I was feeling really uncomfortable in my body and invited him to breathe with me (I was ignored). At one point it got a bit much for me and so I said I was leaving the room to put cold water on my face – this was met with higher pitched shouting and increased discomfort in my body but I did it, I left the room briefly. I threw cold water on my face, looked at myself in the mirror and took some deep breaths then returned to my screaming children.

I was able to soften my facial expressions and tone of voice. I was able to meet my son with compassion and empathy. I got down to his level, made eye contact and when he was able to listen I apologised for my previous tone. I explained that I was having big emotions that were hard for me and I’m working on myself to be a more supportive Mama. With some playful interaction we managed to get slippers on him (refused shoes) and went outside to play around the veggie garden. It was what I needed, what he needed and baby too. The kids explored, got dirty and I had 5 minutes to pause, regulate and reflect. I reflected on how even though I didn’t show up perfectly in this moment I did a great job. In the past I would have had my own meltdown and probably shamed my child. Now I showed him I am a work in progress and that I can have big emotions too. I showed him its okay to step out if needed to regulate, to put my needs first so that I can show up for him and his sister.

When my husband came home I put on my coat, earphones in and listened to a podcast while I went and got milk in the shop. Was this enough to fill my cup? Of course not, but it was mindless time for me and in the day that was, that was enough for now.

At bedtime my son was stalling getting into bed and my husband came and said, I’m feeling frustrated and know that you can help here. He also said my son said “Mama is the calm one” I smiled as I made my way to the bedroom. This was huge! I have never been described as this before. He also stalled with me. I gave him options and set a boundary. I asked him directly if he was delaying because he wanted Mama and Dad to stay longer and he confirmed this to be true. My son wanted to keep the connection despite our growing frustration. I hugged him, explained it was bedtime and that I would read one more story but then I had to leave to do some work and get some sleep. It wasn’t what he wanted but it was all I could give and he accepted. We read a story and he climbed into bed. We did usual playful goodnight and I left room. I saw on monitor he was asleep within 5 minutes. A win and I sat for 10 minutes until the baby woke.

Parenting is by far my greatest joy and biggest struggle. I am not perfect, but I have learned tools that not only help me but my whole family.

One Thing I Would NEVER Do Again As a Parent

Mon, 28 Sep 2020 20:02:52 GMT

If you feel like simply getting out the door on time (tie your shoes… where’s your coat… do you have your lunch??) is a battle, the reality is that you are locked in a power struggle with your child.

Someone will “win” and someone will “lose.”

And while this can be hard to recognize in the moment, power struggles are counter productive when it comes to cultivating a loving, healthy relationship with your child.

Power over dynamics are ubiquitous in our culture. However, when we tap into a larger truth we can see that everyone is divinely worthy of their own thoughts, emotions and experiences.

Yep! Even your kids. When we succumb to the candy of a power struggle, we are diminishing our child’s (the one we’d gladly dive in front of a bus for) self-worth, inner authority and ultimately, causing separation in the relationship through an erosion of trust.

While the stakes of this seem small when children are young, this can lead to really negative repercussions when these little cuties turn into big cuties. Teenagers who aren’t in communication with their parents about big challenges make poor decisions.

However, when trust and communication strategies are established early, there is an unshakable foundation that you child knows they can rely upon. They will come to you. Even when things are hard.

This is not a case for permissive parenting.

Clearly, we are charged with teaching our children to behave in acceptable ways, and to embody the values that we hold dear. I’ve learned that this is far more effectively done through conscious communication and emotional demonstration than the old “power over” ways that most of us were parented.

When my kids were little, I was a HUGE fan of the show “Supernanny.” She relied on a punishment and apology frame. Time outs were the relied upon method of bending a 3-year old to your will as a parent. (I personally loved the show because it made me feel like other people were way worse at this parenting thing than I was, and I wasn’t particularly confident in my skills at the time.)

I implemented her methods with gusto.

You will put on your shoes, or else….

You will eat your broccoli, or else…

You will NOT hit your sister, or else…

Time out.

The deal was your kiddo was supposed to sit there for the number of minutes as their age, then apologize. If they didn’t apologize they had to sit there for another round.

I knew that this method wasn’t going to work the day my 3-year old son sat on that step for well over an hour (you do the math). But then… even worse, he wouldn’t look at me for the rest of the afternoon.

I’d damaged our relationship in the name of control, and I vowed I would never do it again.

The key is to learn to be an authoritative parent that sees, understands and respects the individual experience of your child. When you communicate clearly, and are willing to own your own emotional experience, while allowing this little human to own his or hers, you can be in a powerful cooperative relationship.

Power struggles will sometimes (rarely) be necessary. So save them for when they count.